Rabbi Andrew Jacobs

As part of my rabbinic cohort with Resetting the Table — a national organization dedicated to restoring civil discourse across divides — my colleagues and I are continuing to explore what it really means to listen deeply.

Last week, we focused on hearing the “signposts” that reveal what truly matters to someone else. This week, we took that practice a step further: learning how to prove that we understand what another person is saying — not that we agree, but that we “get it.”

When people feel deeply understood, they become more open and flexible — even toward ideas they might normally dismiss. Research shows that when we feel that someone truly “gets it,” we feel safe. And when we feel safe, we can listen — and learn — ourselves.

I experienced this firsthand during our Resetting the Table gathering on Tuesday.

As many of you know, I’m a passionate Zionist. I’m deeply unsettled by those who embrace any form of anti-Zionism — because, to me, this ideology denies the Jewish people the right to self-determination, to our homeland, the modern State of Israel. At its core, I believe anti-Zionism is antisemitism, as it challenges the very legitimacy of Jewish nationhood and, in turn, fuels hatred toward those of us who are devoted to strengthening our Jewish homeland.

Given this, it was a challenge for me to “get it” as one of our Resetting the Table presenters shared a story about her beloved aunt: a proud American Jew who was deeply involved in Jewish life. Her aunt, the presenter insisted, wasn’t in any way antisemitic; she simply saw Israel as “them” — another country, not “us.” Her Jewish identity was rooted here in America, and she never felt a personal connection to or need to support Zionism. Because of this, the presenter explained with great emotion, she often finds herself deeply hurt when anti-Zionism and antisemitism are linked together. This connection, she feels, can be unfair — even painful — because it undermines her aunt’s very Jewish story.

While the presenter and I did not agree, letting her know that I “got it” – that I heard how her aunt’s relationship with Israel shaped her own understanding of the connection between anti-Zionism and antisemitism – brought us into real dialogue. In turn, the presenter was able to hear how deeply my own identity is bound up with the State of Israel — and with the Jewish right to self-determination.

Let me be clear: this exchange didn’t change either of our beliefs. That wasn’t the point of this exercise. It did, however, build something far more important — trust, empathy, and the ability to stay in conversation.

This building began with a simple but powerful move: reflecting back what we heard. Not parroting words but capturing the essence of what the other person communicated — their energy, emotion, and meaning.

As I listened to the presenter talk about her aunt, my instructor pushed me to pay close attention. Before responding, I was urged to pause, gather my thoughts, and say: “Let me see if I get it…” — and then name what I sensed mattered most to the presenter: how deeply she was affected by the idea that someone might consider her aunt to be an antisemite.

By learning this and reflecting it back to the presenter, our connection was strengthened. I gained insight. She gained both clarity and the sense of being truly heard. And a space for honest, respectful dialogue — despite deep divides — was created.

I know this sounds challenging. I promise you, it is! Those of us in this cohort are all committed to engaging in complex conversations about heated issues. That helps — but it doesn’t take away the strong emotions these issues evoke. This is hard work.

As I shared last week, I will be bringing what I’m learning from Resetting the Table to RSBI. Together, we’ll practice sitting with one another — really listening, really reflecting — in ways that foster the development of both sacred exchanges and sacred space.

In the meantime, I challenge you: find someone whose outlook on a difficult issue differs from yours. Ask them to share why they see things the way they do. Don’t argue. Don’t correct. Just listen. Remember, your goal isn’t to change their mind — it’s to discover what drives them. And when they finish, pause, and say: “Let me see if I get it…” — and tell them what you heard truly matters to them.

You might be surprised by what opens up.